i once was kissed by a man
on the forehead,
tip of my nose
on my hands
he was not blonde
nor white
we drove his big bike
roaming the outskirts
of the city-
freedom here and there
he was neither
professional nor
a construction worker
who works
day and night
feeding the mouths
of his children,
wife
and
mine.
Kiss
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1 endeavored to criticize:
Quasar (originally posted @ http://www.everypoet.org/pffa/showthread.php?t=63157)
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 173
Hi Damsel,
I sort of like this and sort of don't. S2 drew me in and S3 kept me there. S4 had me again...wondering who this person was. S5 was an adequate ending but a letdown for this reader. Before I forget, beginning a poem with "i", instead of "I", won't fly for long in this workshop. Proper grammar and punctuation are important to readers.
I'll attempt to explain my trip through the words.
"i once was kissed by a man
on the forehead,
tip of my nose
on my hands"
This is certainly visual but I'm wondering 'what' man and why was he kissing N. I'm sure we've all been kissed on the forehead, nose, and hands. How was your experience different from any of ours?
"he was not blonde
nor white"
I find this an important part of the piece as it shows some controversy/turmoil in N's mind. Sort of an "in your face" statement. As a reader, I'd like to know why these lines are pertinent to the entirety of the piece. Since it's still not clear who "he" is, why would anyone care about his hair color or race?
"we drove his big bike
roaming the outskirts
of the city-
freedom here and there"
Technically, I think it's awkward (if not impossible) for two people to drive a bike. Even dubbing in "steered" for "drove" wouldn't help this line. I do like the upbeat and open feeling of the verse. A description of the bike would help and again, I still don't know who "he" is.
"he was neither
professional nor
a construction worker"
This ties into S2 with more "bucking the system" thoughts from the writer. This stanza would be worth gold if a bit more info was given.
"who works
day and night
feeding the mouths
of his children,
wife
and
mine."
One-word lines in poetry rarely do anything for me. Instead, how 'bout:
"...of his children, wife
and mine."
The ending was also somewhat confusing. Is "he" also feeding N's mouth, N's children, N's wife? This statement seems unclear to me.
I'm positive there's another detailed and descriptive poem that will allow readers to share this experience with you. What's posted is not the one. I get the whole theme about something on the side, but I was just told a story. I'd like to see it, feel it, taste it, smell it, and hear all the senses that N has not shared. Hope this helps in some way.
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